your parents love me but you hate me
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
