my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
