I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
