im six kinds of drunk right now
In America we eat man semen.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
