She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
