This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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