i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
