I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
