My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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