My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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