nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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