Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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