I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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