Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
