My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
