Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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