Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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