I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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