I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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