I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
