I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
