I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
