New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
