once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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