as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
