Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
