I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
