I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
