A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
