Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
