I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Im part way to drunk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
