I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
