as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
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My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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