from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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