I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
