I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
