Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
