if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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