Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
