Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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