hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
