i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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