he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
