btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I could fuck to npr.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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