No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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