Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
