One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
