even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
