i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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