You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
