What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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