I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
