I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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