we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
