he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
