please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
