SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
