I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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