I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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