My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
