I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
