I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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