I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
